The smell of the salty waves brings butterflies to my stomach, meaning a new season filled with warmth and happiness. Now, the salty smell brings an empty feeling to me. From the second I stepped on the metal plate in a clear plastic tube that would bring me up to the arena, I smelled the seaweed and sea air. I began to rack my brain with ways I would use the tropical arena to my advantage. The countdown began, a loud beeping and a deep voice counting down from 60. The metal plate started to rise, carrying my body up slightly, until I was standing on a single plate in the middle of the ocean. Cold water splashed up on my unsteady feet. The water was so clear and crystal blue, which made me feel like I should be on vacation, not about to murder other teenagers. The tributes around me all had pale faces, and nervous looks. The boy next to me was shaking uncontrollably, and I knew without a doubt he wouldn’t last long. The gong sounded, a shrill noise, meaning it was time to begin the killing.
I dove off my metal plate and swam with all my might to the shore. Salt water stung my eyes as I tried to see underwater. Tributes swam below me, trying to get the shore. I pulled up to surface, blinking away salty tears and tried to find the supplies, until I noticed a boy being stabbed to death, and I couldn’t help but feel badly for him. He had parents, and a life that was just taken for other’s entertainment. Finally, I pulled myself up on shore, coughing and sputtering. A skinny, tall girl was running toward me with a knife. I panicked, but did not want to back down, catching her in a tackle before she could attack me. We wrestled, until I was back down on the wet, cold sand. I ripped the knife from her hand, stabbing her in the arm. After she was lying down, dying, I pulled away and gasped. I was unaware that I could hurt anyone, let alone kill a girl. All the tributes had abandoned the shore, except two girls. I remembered seeing them at training, and we had discussed being allies. Their names were Tammy and Yolanda. I knew having them as my allies would be a great help, due to all the supplies and weapons they had collected. Luckily, they approached me before I did them. They agreed that being allies would be a good idea. They pointed to my blood dripping knife, and asked how many I had killed so far. After answering “only one”, I gripped the cold, smooth handle of the knife, looking down at the object I just used to murder someone, and knew this may not be as difficult as I thought.
I thought that your first paragraph was very good and descriptive, but your second paragraph was tainted with a few grammatical and spelling errors, like in this sentence, “…I couldn’t help but feel badly for him.” The “Feel badly” part does not make sense, it should be ‘feel bad.’ Other than a few mistakes it was a great piece of writing
I liked the content of this narrative, you had a lot of really good description about the landscape and setting. I only have one. ” I panicked, but did not want to back down, catching her in a tackle before she could attack me.” I think that this could have been worded differently, or maybe extended because you are about to kill a girl. I think that it was a n exciting part of your story, but the writing didn’t give it a thrilling effect. I enjoyed this piece, and can’t wait to read your next post.
I think that your post was good. I would have liked to see more figurative language to really make the story come alive. For example, you could have explained and elaborated more on the arena instead of focusing just on the water. Also I did not really understand your opening sentence, if you are trying to make it a flashback, use past tense. Other than that, it was a very entertaining piece.