“Poison Dart Frogs.” a Gamemaker next to me mutters, laughing evilly. He then yells it to the rest of the Gamemakers, “Poison Dart Frogs! Give the tributes a run for their money!” Some Gamemakers gasp, and others join in on his evil laughter. A chill is sent down my spine, with guilty feelings. Knowing that my life depends on this, I begin to type away at my computer with the rest of the Gamemakers. The model of the frog on my computer is blood red, with black spots. How could an animal so small be so deadly?
I craned my neck to the screen, and Poison Dart Frogs are appearing. None of the tributes notice, causing the Gamemakers to add more frogs. One young girl turns around, and a frog leaps on to her leg. She is dead within seconds. The tributes realize what happened, and begin to run for their lives. The frogs are growing in size, making them harder to avoid. Some tributes begin to frantically climb trees, causing the frogs to follow them. A frog hops on to a scrawny, young boy and takes his life. The frog retreats off the tree, and continues chasing an older girl. I notice a log a few feet in front of the girl, and cringe when she trips over it. The camera zooms on to her face, which is pure terror and fear. Tears begin to stream down her face as the frog corners her. At that moment, the frogs disappear and tears of relief are now dripping down the girl’s face. I assume a Gamemaker must have felt guilty for killing so many tributes with the frogs. I, for one, am glad the frog attack is over.
I really enjoyed your piece. however I wish there was a little more detail about what was happening in your head when the attack was going on. Overall it was very good but lacked detail in some parts.
This was a great piece. I liked how you included the look of terror on the girl’s face. That made the second paragraph a lot more descriptive and interesting. In the second paragraph, however, you did have another problem with verb consistency. You wrote “I craned my neck to the screen, and Poison Dart Frogs are appearing”. You switched from past tense to present tense in mid-sentence. You have definitely gotten better with keeping verb consistency since your last piece but you haven’t fully broken that habit! Otherwise, you did a nice job.
I enjoyed you intro since it makes it easy to picture the Gamemaker laughing (evilly) at his idea and the others agree. It definitely gives you a picture in your mind of how evil the Gamemakers truly are and what they do to the innocent tributes to get everyone’s attention that is watching. One thing was that in the sentence, “I craned my neck to the screen, and Poison Dart Frogs are appearing”, it doesn’t really flow well. I think part of the reason is that the ‘to’ should ‘towards’ instead and then you would change ‘appearing’ to ‘appears’. After that, you would probably be ‘starting’ after the ‘are’ (I craned my neck towards the screen, and Poison Dart Frogs are starting to appear). Fixing those minor things throughout the writing piece would truly make your writing a lot better and I know that you definitely have the ability to do so. Overall, I think you did a great job portraying yourself as a somewhat guilty Gamemaker (with the fellow evil Gamemakers) and the tribute’s reactions to the frogs.