“Tsunami.” The word from a loudspeaker rings like a bell into the bright, cool room filled with gamemakers. I, along with many men in white uniforms started to furiously type away on our high-tech computers. Within a matter of minutes, I glanced up onto the screen, and saw the dark clouds rolling in to the games. The clouds panic the tributes, curious to see what was next. Then, the angry waves begin. The intelligent tributes sprint to higher elevation, but most just stand there in shock. Almost every tribute has a look of panic and fear plastered on their faces. The waves look like they are in a race, competing to get to shore first. As they reach shore, they crash in a rage, destroying everything in its path. Palm trees timber to the ground, spraying cold, wet sand on the rocks. Most of the tributes made it to the mountain, except a few, who are buried in crashing waves and sand.
I place my hand on a cold, metal knob and turn it one notch. The waves begin to grow, and more destruction occurs. Palm trees are flat, on the ground, and animals are as high up in trees as they can be. A notice flies up onto my computer screen showing that 5 tributes have been killed. That is when the voice returns over the loudspeaker, telling us to shut the tsunami down. After clacking away on my computer, the waves die down and the sky clears up. The tributes come out from hiding, with relieved looks on their faces.
I thought this was a very descriptive piece. Although, you did have a couple occasions where you failed to maintain your verb consistency. For example, you wrote ” Most of the tributes made it to the mountain, except a few, who are buried in crashing waves and sand.” You switch from past tense to present tense right in the middle of the sentence. There were other times in the first paragraph that your verb tenses didn’t match up as well. It’s tough, but you have to keep the same tense throughout the piece. Once you got that down then I think you can be an even better writer.
Overall, I thought that you did a very nice job. There were a few spots where you would switch from present tense to past tense, like in the sentence “Most of the tributes made it to the mountain, except a few, who are buried in crashing waves and sand.” since the ‘made’ is past and the ‘are’ is present. Otherwise that and a few other sentences in the passage, I thought that you did a good job. Hopefully this will help your writing in the future and I look forward to seeing more of your writing!
I agree you switched your verb consistency a few times but nothing major that took away from the story. I thought this was very good! I really connected with the gamemaker. I thought this was a well written and well constructed piece! Keep up the great work!